Words: Mav

Pix: Mav

It’s important in life to do things right, especially if you only intend to do something once. Getting things perfect in one shot is rare but gratifying and while the old adages of practise making perfect and learning through doing are great truths...

This is the information age, and thanks to the internet and global media we can now find things out before we need to know them, from how to make cheese to what music is good or bad. SWM now brings you a guide to help with the one thing that you have to get right the first time-

Suicide. There are cultural precedents, criminal implications, moral questions and medical problems.

Which could also describe sex; however suicide is a lot different, though can occur at the same time if you're Michael Hutchence.

Here is our guide to the best places around Stoke-on-Trent to commit the act. Disclaimer: don’t actually do it. This article is for entertainment purposes only.

Before proceeding with the top 5, here’s a cool page of advice and helpful places to turn for any readers who may be tempted to follow our juvenile and irresponsible advice:  http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

5. The River Trent

At number five is the ‘river’ Trent, namesake of the city. All across the globe rivers have been sacred both for bringing life and taking it, from the Ganges to the Euphrates. Water, despite the amount of it in our bodies, is considerably lethal and putting your head in it for more that 2 minutes will usually do the trick.

River Trent pros:
If you don’t drown, you’ll be poisoned or mangled by a trolley.

River Trent cons:
Possibly not deep or wet enough to kill.

4. A Man Can’t Fly Statue

Only a few feet away from two of the other places listed, this statue was chosen for it’s irony. This depressing monolith was erected presumably to reduce the overall amount of hope in the city. Grounding in reality while destroying any notions of superhuman ability, A Man Can’t Fly is aching for someone to hang themselves from the outstretched limbs of despair.

AMCF Statue pros:
Ironic.

AMCF Statue cons:
Some shimmying required to get the noose set up.

3. Hanley Bus Station Offices

This urban jotun rises above Hanley Bus Station, brown, ugly and terrible. Stained with the bird shit of ages, this office tower is mere feet from the site of the famous Chicos rock bar. This is a drop that is not only enough to kill but probably to scatter and liquefy a lot of your soon to be unnecessary mortal envelope. Be considerate and try to land away from the busses. Nobody knows who actually works or lives in this building.

Hanley Bus Station pros:
It’s covered in cctv so you should get some awesome plummet footage.

Hanley Bus Station cons:
You’ll need to sneak your way up there, which at least may provide some entertainment.

2, Burslem Park (pic courtesy nrsi.org.uk)

At second place, it’s a lovely place, where children frolic and ducks duck, snuggled in the heart of Robbie Williams town. However at night, those children are sporting asbos and knives and the ducks are the only thing not looking for a fight. This suicide spot is good if you want some assistance or you can’t go through with it yourself, because walking around here at night is suicide all by itself.

Burslem Park pros:
Assisted Suicide and the fresh air will do you some good.

Burslem Park cons:
Might just be raped.

1. Glebe Street Bridge

In at number one, SWM’s best place to off yourself in Stoke-on-Trent, is the Glebe Street Bridge. This wonder of modern engineering spans the distance between Stoke and the rest of us, across four lanes of traffic and a canal (which according to the new adverts around town is an ‘outdoor gym’... if gyms had used needles on the floor and smelled like sewage).
This bridge is not only high enough to break your frail hold on mortality, but the secondary threat of heavy goods vehicles will seal the deal. If you go at night you get a pretty light show courtesy of the mayor’s office (and probably some taxpayer money).

Glebe Street Bridge pros:
You can do a practise run in the canal.

Glebe Street Bridge cons:
Okay it could be a bigger drop, there is some risk of simply being permanently paralysed.

So there you have it. Five places ranging from the tricky and challenging to the quick and easy. If you have any more hot spots send them in to us!