Words: Mav

Pix: Hover over images for credit

With the vast amount of cheap disposable media being pumped at us from the global village, it can be hard to tell which celebrities are true heroes risen up by our mass adoration and which are vile leeches making their fortunes off our ignorant masses. We have drawn us a rough list for 5 who are so contemptible that they need to be dealt with – permanently. This document is classified.

Ant and Dec

A twosome of sickeningly lovable northen joviality, Ant and Dec have clawed their way up the television ladder and now dominate anything that requires plonkers to host it. Stop using your regional accent to breed familiarity with your audience. I trust the autocracy of Received Pronunciation! Moira Stewart would never lie to us!

Sinful Acts:
The whole phone voting scandal. Stop scamming money out of our grandmas, you arrogant northern capitalists. Also, being themselves is pretty much a sin.

Saving Graces:
They keep the over 40s out of the way on Saturdays.

Killometer:
6/10 – Fish Food

Recommended Execution:
Sniper in the reality tv jungle.

Paris Hilton

Horrific American wench raised in luxury and hollowed out of personality and brains to make room for product placement and cultural proliferation. Here to ruin our young, and enjoy it.

Sinful Acts:
Corrupting the media and womanhood in general, and the sex tape, which was shit. She isn’t that good looking and the night vision camera made her eyes all creepy.

Saving Graces:
Her existence probably keeps the economy stable.

Killometer:
7/10 – Mercy Killing

Recommended Execution:
Hung, drawn and quartered

Richard and/or Judy

Another twosome with has infiltrated our homes with safey-safey nicey-nicey housewife banter. Presenters of their own little slice of a perfect plane of pure peace, Richard and Judy sneer at your feeble attempts to survive. The main problem though, is Richard...

Sinful Acts:
This man cannot be allowed to live. His skin crawlingly embarrassing faux pas and lack of screen presence make us sick to the stomach and make his poor Judy uncomfortable. One day she may kill him for us, turning on him in a flash of womanly fury and screaming “ALI G?!! REALLY?!!”

Saving Graces:
Interviewed the old Gladiators just before this new crappy version came out.

Killometer:
7/10 – Necessary Evil

Recommended Execution:
Public hanging

Naomi  Campbell

London born fashion icon and possible android, who firmly believes that she is in fact better than everyone else ever. That’s usually fine because women have the right to believe that, but when you start kicking off on everyone from fellow models to airline police because you are having a bad hair day, you need to be put down like the mad frothing dog you are.

Sinful Acts:
A string of legal problems, usually violent or not attending court from 2000 until now. Recently, disrupting an Heathrow airport by assaulting a police officer after one of her bags was lost. Noami Campbell is basically the Old Yeller of the modelling world.

Saving Graces:
Provides us with entertainment.

Killometer:
8/10 – You crazy, wonderful dog!

Recommended Execution:
Taken out back and shot of course.

Uwe Boll

This crazy German director has made a string of terrible movies from computer games. The fury comes from the fact that a lot of games are crying out for movies to be made from them because a lot of people don’t realise how rich in story and visuals they are. Uwe Boll, 9 times out of 10, fails to grasp every good part of a game when he makes the film.

Sinful Acts:
Bloodrayne 1 and 2 (why set it in the past?! why cowboys? You had a hot vampire chick, ie the easiest thing to sell to the under 30 rock music demographic, and you messed it up. Also alone in the dark went weird and the whole boxing match pr stunt for Postal was just embarrassing.

Saving Graces:
We carefully await Postal – after all, the game was hilarious, so in theory the film should be.

Killometer:
9/10 – For the greater good

Recommended Execution:
Boxing match with Naomi Campbell

Do you have a celebrity for the hit list? Drop us a line on our forum or by email!